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We’ve all had them.
The dates where you can’t wait to be home, cuddled up on the couch with your dogs, your cat, a glass of wine and Netflix. (or-a great book-or a long phone conversation with your best friends)
Last year I met someone who, for a variety of reasons simply didn’t work out. Too long to go into-it wasn’t my time, it wasn’t his jam, and everything in-between happened. (and a gentle reminder that not every single date IS supposed to work out. I believe that we meet people along the way who teach us invaluable lessons)
About two months ago, after not hearing for this man for about 5 months, I got an interesting text from him. The text was so unlike his writing style that I knew he didn’t send it, and I replied with my Mendelsohn sarcasm reserved for choice occasions. He picked up on it, and found it amusing. He contacted me a couple of weeks later explaining that a woman he was dating took his phone, made choice selections of messages that he had seemed to have an emotional connection with, and sent texts to rile them up. And the text was TMI, if you get my drift.
In our dialogue, he explained to me how much I meant to him, and how he valued our friendship. I generally had a good time with him, as he is smart, funny and quite witty. He feels like home; from back east, same religious beliefs and uncanny cultural similarities. The same dysfunctional upbringing that I had, and the very same sarcasm and wittiness in our speaking and writing styles. Familiar. And I found that attractive. We always laughed and always felt better after being together. We each brought out a dopamine reaction while together.
What I missed in all these months of speaking with him or seeing him was the WAY in which he spoke to me. It was borderline sarcastic mixed in with condescending overtones. Sarcasm to the point of putting me down-constantly and consistently. Disrespectful to the point where, I felt, that if I made a mistake, I would be scolded. (in public) Disrespected to the point, where, a simple thing like not having a pen in my purse made me an incapable person. Spoken to in a way that I was completely incompetent. Embarrassed to the point, where, in public, a woman said to me “Are you going to allow him to speak to you like this.” That was the whopper that hit me like a 2×4 and made me write this blog.
I am imperfect. I have a reasonable amount of self-worth, but at times I revert back to a self where I felt completely worthless-especially with this man. And if I can leave any of you reading this with one tidbit of knowledge, I invite you to take inventory of what you will and won’t put up with. Writing this blog is my way of being cathartic and processing the way I was treated. And I won’t ever allow myself to walk down that street again because it just hurts too much. And I deserve way more. And you do, too.
Lori Mendelsohn is a matchmaker in the Milwaukee area. Her business is www.smartfunnysingle and she has over a dozen marriages under her belt with one engagement pending. She uses her intuition and knowledge of the human condition to match singles.