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Being a professional Matchmaker, I get to hear a lot of stories and sadly, everyone has weathered these “storms.” The more I hear, the more I realize that we are so much more the same than we are different.
One of my male friends was sharing a story about a woman who he recently met. He was at a restaurant with another buddy, and he met a lovely lady and her friend at the bar. The men invited the ladies to their table and the flirtation, exploration, and back and forth ensued. By the end of the meal, my friend had the woman’s number and the dating began.
He shared with me that he wanted to find out a number of things about her, however, he was afraid to ask her for fear of sounding intrusive, needy or inquisitive.
I assured him that asking questions is an important step in getting to know someone because we literally can’t go on chemistry alone. We need to have foundational grounding with a potential love interest and asking and answering questions is entirely part of the process.
It’s called communication!
Communication isn’t just talking about your dog and your family, it’s about getting deep and being vulnerable as we open up to get to know someone, and allow them to get to know us, too.
As we have the questions, I believe we should ask them, if they are appropriate. What I mean by this is let’s say you have been dating someone a month, you can ask if the pace you are dating is good for the other person, how do they feel about the amount of time spent together and the amount of time spent apart? Another great question could be about what someone may be seeking in a partner, are they looking for the same thing you are? Always be sure to preface this by saying something to the effect of “IF you found someone who you clicked with” (not implying it’s YOU) what would they ideally want?
The toughest communication is about exclusivity. Many men, who I’ve come to find, are very uncomfortable with women dating more than one man. I personally believe you should be exclusive if you are intimate. However, if you are getting emotionally involved, either pulling back or asking the question if the other person is seeking a monogamous relationship is always fine. The worst-case scenario is NOT asking if the other one is exclusive, finding out they aren’t and setting yourself up for hurt and disappointment.
So, in summary, speak up! The worst that can happen is you are too much, and that will end something that isn’t meant for you anyway! I look at this as a gift. It makes space for the one who should be there!
Lori Mendelsohn is a matchmaker in the Milwaukee area. Her business is www.smartfunnysingle and she has over a dozen marriages under her belt with one engagement pending. She uses her intuition and knowledge of the human condition to match singles.