Few things have the explanatory power of baseball curses. Sure, it may not seem plausible that the agonizing woes of the Chicago Cubs were caused by a vengeful, goat-loving bar owner; but how else do you explain Steve Bartman or the black cat?

On Thursday night the Milwaukee Brewers completed a three-game sweep of the Pittsburgh Pirates at Miller Park. By itself this is barely noteworthy, but in context it’s remarkable: the Brewers are an incomprehensible 78-29 versus the Pirates at Miller Park to an since July 9, 2003. What happened on that date? Glad you asked!

July 9, 2003 is the infamous night when when Randall Simon – then a first baseman with the Pirates – decided to bop the Italian Sausage on the noggin’ during the sausage race. Simon was arrested for his offense and eventually fined $432 or disorderly conduct. It was an absurd saga that probably should have been quickly forgotten. Unfortunately for the Pirates, the baseball gods have long memories and The Curse of Randall Simon was born on that night.

The mastery the Brewers have demonstrated over the Pirates at Miller Park since Simon went rouge defies logic. The Brewers have won games 17-3 and courtesy of walk-off grand slams. They’ve even won by preserving a one-run lead in a 9th inning that started with a triple. A Major League Baseball team should not be this absurdly successful over a division rival. Unless, of course, there are cosmic forces pulling a few stings.

You cannot rationally blame the Pirates’ woes at Miller Park on one incident twelve years ago. Ridiculous trends happen constantly in sports, and this is simply one of them. Even so, if someone from the Pirates could go back in time they would be wise to tell Randall Simon to leave the Italian Sausage alone

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